Despite all of the riff raff on Twitter, every now and then you may find yourself involved in an exchange that can actually lead to a meaningful conversation and promote healthy debates while leaving you with a better understanding of a topic.
Last week, a tweet by my friend @DjRickyRich sparked my curiosity.
For the longest, I’ve stood by my belief that in many ways, women have evolved into self-protecting creatures who sometimes do things that we’ve never done before just for the sake of not having our hearts broken. Our exchange wasn’t about whether or not it’s right or wrong, but more about how common these self-protecting behaviors are becoming.
It was refreshing to see that a man was co-signing my belief. Before I go any further, here’s our full conversation.
I’m thinking back to my very first real relationship, you know the one where you guys actually go on dates and spend time together (not the phone relationships from middle school). Of course age is always a factor, but I believe that experience is a much larger factor in how you behave in your relationships. Over the course of the years I’ve developed some traits that I didn’t have before. I’ve never been the phone snooping type nor do I pop up and drive by my guy’s house either (well, except for that one time LOL). I personally believe that if you have to do all that then you already have your answer.
What I have begun to do is have options…several of them. My friends and family always joke about how many dates I go on. (It’s important for me to note that I only have one person that I’m intimate with and that’s because of my own values. It helps with keeping things from getting too crazy as well.) I wrote about how overwhelming it can be in my last ‘Jessica Diaries’ entry, but even though it gets overwhelming, I can’t lie like I don’t feel less of a sting as and when one of the “situationships” goes sour. It’s like, ‘Welp, there are others’ or ‘He’ll be alright.’
I used to be a woman whose only option was the guy I was dating. After finding out that he had tons of them while we were together, I was hurt but even that didn’t change things. There was another (extremely intense) relationship that I was in, although on-again/off-again official, and it became one that I was exclusive in. After finding out that he had options as well and no real plans of us being together any time soon, I was hurt and damn near devastated once again. I said ‘You know what…I can do the same thing.’
Like I told Rich on Twitter, all these options have made things stressful but what is a girl to do? It’s much easier said than done to take the “wait on your King” approach and all that other social media relationship logic that’s being put out there. I like to keep things real and the reality is that sometimes you just want some company from the opposite bad word. Sometimes you just want to go out on the town without rounding up all your other single friends (I don’t have many friends who are single by the way LOL).
There are pros and cons to this.
While this has helped me keep my feelings in check and have a better idea of what I want and don’t want out of a relationship, it has sort of made me a commitment-phobe. I’ve become so used to protecting myself that now when I have feelings for someone, I talk myself out of trying to take it to the next level. I only want to take the risk if I know for a fact that the other person is right there with me…and sometimes it’s hard to tell. So I hold back, I become less available…I run. Or worse, I blow a guy off because he has feelings for me.
He asked me a question that I couldn’t answer in 140 characters.
@DjRickyRich ummm kinda…hard to explain what I mean in 140 characters. You just inspired a blog post
— JessicaSimien.com (@jessicasimien) June 12, 2014
Here’s my answer: I won’t say that I’m going to give half of the effort, but I can’t give my all to every guy I meet and have chemistry with. He has to earn my all, earn my respect and earn my time and commitment. The effort has to be mutual and consistent. He has to put in work, I’m not easy! I feel that I’m more than worth it and if he feels the same, he won’t have a problem with taking it slow. Sending good morning text messages and taking me out once does not earn my love or my goodies.
Going back to the commitment issue, I know that eventually I’ll be in a place where I’m open to the idea of being in a relationship, but it definitely isn’t going to be today.
Ladies, have you experienced what Rich and I talked about? Any guys deal with women who are afraid to commit? I’ve love to hear your thoughts, share them in our comment section.