Saturday morning as I was putting on makeup, I couldn’t stop beaming from the inside out about my meeting that would take place in a few hours. Here I was…a young woman who’d started a blog on a whim, still living in Mississippi, no huge brand collaborations under her belt (well, there was that one time with Wal-Mart) and not making a very large amount of money…about to meet some of the women that I’ve admired and researched for years.
I wasn’t meeting them at an organized event like a panel or seminar…I was meeting them as a colleague, a fellow blogger and influential voice in the media.
*pinches self again*
As I walked underneath the awning at Cafe du Monde searching for the faces that I’d only seen on Madame Noire, Hello Beautiful and Black Enterprise, I started to get nervous. What would they think of me? Would they know that my resume isn’t as impressive as theirs? Would they laugh at my following after I leave the table? Would they make jokes about me being the only lifestyle blogger they’ve ever met from Mississippi?
That old demon of an insecurity that I’ve combated my entire life tried to jump in and steal my happiness. The Devil was telling me that I wasn’t good enough to be there and he was trying his best to make me doubt my abilities and who I was as a person, a professional and a Christian.
*shakes head, pushes shoulders up and back, holds head high*
After I was seated and asked the waitress for an order of beignets, I told myself:
“Jessica, you belong here.”
Sometimes I literally go into a deep gaze when I think about my life. I’m a breathing, walking and talking example of faith, grace, mercy, favor and trust. Who would’ve thought that I would have the opportunity to interview Kela about her career? I watched her work and studied her moves for so long! Then not even a year later God works it out so that I actually get to meet her in person and then chat with her about blogs and Essence Fest over beignets! We’re not even going to discuss sitting next to Ty Alexander taking selfies and filming Snapchat videos.
These women may not be huge celebrities but they are women I’ve looked up to since I started this journey. You know how you aim to reach a certain level in your career? Don’t front like you don’t sometimes doubt that it can happen…after all it is just a dream, right? But when you start feeling your life start to change….I’m talking about a real feeling in your spirit, in the air, in your heart…things start to get really real and you realize that you’re on your way to that dream becoming a reality.
Even being confident in my knowledge and God-given gifts, I still have doubts. I still feel like I have a long way to go and I don’t think of myself as someone who has reached a career pinnacle. In fact, it still amazes me when people around Mississippi praise me. I get nervous like they’re going to find out that I’m not perfect and I don’t have all the answers to doing what you love and doing it right. I’m still learning…I haven’t done a fraction of what I hope and pray I will do one day.
Your Turn to Talk…
I wrote this post because I know I’m not the only person who is amazed by God’s work in their lives every day and how things just coordinate and happen in your favor. If you feel comfortable, please share your experience in the comment section. You can also share if you struggle with this feeling too from time to time and tips for how you cope.