Lifestyle, The Jessica Diaries

The Jessica Diaries: The “Break”

The last month or so of my life has felt very lonely. I feel like I’ve been isolated from everything and everyone.

At the beginning of 2012, I heard a sermon that I’ll never forget. The overall message was about how through prayer, God wishes for us to be changed so that He can bless us. But before He blesses us, He breaks us and the first way that He breaks us is through isolation. While in isolation, He sometimes sends us a huge predicament or issue that no one else can help us with so that the only place we can run to is to Him.

Since I decided to become a full-time entrepreneur, there have been lots of ups and downs. There are more ups than downs but as and when I get down, I get really down…and that’s when my anxiety creeps in. You can probably tell from some of my posts that one minute I feel so convicted and determined and then the next, I’m fighting for my dream and to walk in my purpose. It’s really hard and it takes a LOT of effort to stay determined. Now I’m seeing why so many people fail or give up.

Lately I’ve felt a lot of doubt about where I am in my life – personally and professionally. I don’t want to stay in an unhealthy or dysfunctional relationship and I don’t want to be so set on being an entrepreneur that I make a wrong decision and end up in a bad financial position. On the same note, I do want a relationship and I want to be a successful business owner so I’m over-analyzing everything and I start to panic when it takes a turn for the worst. I really want to go on a vacation and RELAX…relax my mind and my body.

I know feeling doubt and like you’re lost is normal at my age, but some days my faith reaches a low point. I’m constantly coaching myself and reminding myself that I’m on a mission. The more time I spend in isolation, the more I realize that the road to chasing your dream is lonely. I can’t continue to allow this to make me doubt or lose faith and motivation, I have to use it as a strength and tenacity builder.

Many of my friends are making moves in their lives that are totally different from mine. It seems like everyone is moving out of state or getting married or having children and settling into the jobs that they currently have and I cannot relate at all LOL. I have to constantly coach myself on staying on my own personal journey and resisting the temptation to follow the crowd. None of those things have been placed on my heart so I can’t do it (or try to do it) just because everyone else is. Quitting and moving across the country to work for someone else is so much easier than what I’m doing now but I don’t want to take the easy way out. That never did anything for anyone in the long run and I’m simply not a quitter.

I’ve always struggled with being alone and going through things alone. It’s terrifying but I know that I have to go back to school and obtain my Ph.D because it’s part of my bigger picture. I may be in the city alone and be forced to lean totally on God but I know it’ll be worth it. I know He put that in my heart for a reason and I can’t do what everyone else is doing…even when it’s super-tempting.

According to Pastor Cathey’s 2012 sermon:

“If you can endure the breaking, there is a blessing on the other side.”

When it’s put that way, the breaking isn’t that bad. I’m just going to keep pushing and try to stay as positive as I can throughout this process. I can do it…even if I have to give myself a pep-talk everyday, I can do this!

Now it’s your turn to talk. Tell me:

Have you ever felt isolated?

Have you felt that God was breaking you to bless you later?

How do you deal with feeling lonely?

I’d love to hear your stories and feedback! We’re all in this together so don’t be afraid to share.


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