Mom Life, The Jessica Diaries

The Jessica Diaries: One Week Down, A Lifetime To Go

Wow, I’m really a mom… Not a pregnant and imagining what life will be like mom, but a diaper-changing, breastfeeding and my every other thought about my child kind of mom. Whew!

My son, Marley Elijah, made 1 week old yesterday and it’s still surreal that we have a little baby to take care of for the rest of our lives. On one hand it’s scary as scary can get and on the other, it’s magical. Before becoming a mother, I had ideas about how motherhood would actually feel but nothing could prepare me for the feeling itself. Even as I try to find the words, it’s difficult because so many come to mind.

When Marley was first born and we’d settled into our postpartum care room after they’d completed his assessments in the hospital’s nursery, I remember cradling him into my arms and looking into his face as and when tears just started to pour from my eyes. Being eye to eye with this baby that had been growing inside of me was like something out of a movie.

I was happy to finally meet him and see him (he looked nothing like we’d both imagined lol) and feel him. I kept asking myself, “is this really my baby?” It’s just so hard to describe how one minute you’re just yourself…who you are and have always been…and then literally the next, you’re responsible for another life.

I was also saddened because I immediately felt guilt for bringing this innocent, sweet life into such an evil world. In fact, that has been heavy on my mind the past week with all the news of nuclear warfare and Facebook live murder streams…it just makes me upset with myself that I allowed it to happen. How could I do that? How could we do that?

But when I remember that God is and has always been in control, I can enjoy the precious moments that will only last for just a little while because he’s already growing and his face is already changing.

Then it all repeats.

Aside from the emotional part of accepting that I am a mother, I’ve had to accept the new responsibilities that come with it in our day to day life. This part is a lot easier than I expected it to be and a lot easier than the emotional part but still not easy in itself if that makes sense.

Most of the responsibilities are timed routines – feeding, changing diapers, changing clothes, rocking to sleep and starting it all over. Because he’s so new, it’s not much we can do with him beside talk and read his little books. I did have some major challenges with breastfeeding while we were in the hospital but the challenge was more mental than physical.

Speaking of physical, it’s been super hard to relax while I’m recovering from delivery. Tony literally has to stop me and remind me that I just had a baby last week. I’ve decided that this week I’m going to totally relax and let him and my mom take the lead on everything that they can. My mom goes back to work after this week so I need all the rest I can get.

I’m just happy and thankful to God that my baby is here, has all his fingers and toes and is the sweetest little baby ever. To have him and be his mother is a precious gift that I do not and hope to not ever take for granted.

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