March 27, 2015
I don’t know if I’m a weirdo or if I’m just finally beginning to be myself at all times. I kinda feel like a weirdo and everyone is looking at me like I am but it’s cool LOL.
At this moment I’m literally sitting on a park bench in downtown Hattiesburg, writing to the sound of Lauryn Hill singing in my headphones. Every driver that passes by strains their neck to look at the black girl dressed like a Black Panther with her MacBook in her lap. All the male city workers are gawking, smiling and waving…I’m smiling back with each worker giving me a boost of confidence. One even wrote his number on a piece of paper and had his partner bring it to me. *giggles*
“How you gone win when you ain’t right within?”
It’s ironic that she would sing that line as I’m thinking about the process of learning yourself and coming to terms with whatever it is that you’ve learned. For me, getting to know myself has not been an easy or overnight process. I don’t think for anyone it is. More than that it has been a continuous, ongoing process. I don’t think you ever stop learning yourself because you never stop changing.
I don’t have to go back very far in my memory to reflect on how much I’ve changed. In just a year’s time I’ve become stronger, I’ve admitted some ugly truths about myself, I’ve embraced the fact that I’m a complex individual with a wide range of interests and hobbies and finally, I’m OK with being human and feeling things. I own my emotions and I don’t run from them….I mean, they aren’t going anywhere. I’ve become more connected to The Lord and after lots of practice, I cannot get out of bed without a prayer, a scripture and some praise. I’m in a good place…I’m finally on the other side of the place I’d been dwelling in for entirely too long.
Sometimes you need space…physically, emotionally and mentally.
You can think of that space as if it were soil. It just exists…it’s dirty and empty…but then a seed is planted. The seed is watered, the roots sprout and slowly but surely the plant begins to grow and it eventually breaks through the soil.
I used to loathe the “space.” I hated it. Just like when I’m dealing with soil, I don’t like for my hands to get dirty. When you’re in that space, it gets dirty. More often than not you’re lonely, confused, heartbroken, lost, unstable, angry, sad, aggressive yet sensitive and hopeless to name a few. When you realize you need to bring yourself out of that space, that’s when the seed is planted.
The seed can be words from someone that genuinely cares about you, scriptures, a memory, a dream, something you saw in nature…anything…but the seed somehow changes your perspective on your life or situation. Knowledge and experience is the water that helps the roots breakthrough the soil.
Knowledge comes from reading books, prayer, engaging in conversations with people who are different from you, being silent and observing your surroundings. Experience is the things you go through while in the soil. For example, whenever I felt lonely or felt myself slipping into a bad space, I started working on some of the intimate tasks on my 100 in a Year list, I worked on my book and I started doing things I did years ago that I enjoyed but for some reason got away from. Let me tell you, it has been wonderful.
These new roots (because roots break, grow, and break again) are so much stronger than my old ones. I can do things alone! *twerks* Seriously, I hated to be alone. Now I spend time with myself and it’s so fulfilling. When I want to be around people or have company, I do, but I don’t feel like I need anyone anymore and I don’t allow anyone to put me on their schedule whenever they feel like it and toss me when they don’t. I’m living life on my terms in every way. Well, God’s terms too but you get what I mean.
Just like a plant, I’m growing…just like a book, this is the beginning of a new chapter. I don’t know how the story will continue but unlike times in the past, I don’t need to know anymore. I’m good. ;-)