Mom Life, The Jessica Diaries

The Jessica Diaries: I Understand Now, Mama

Yesterday was my first official Mother’s Day and it was full of love and awesomeness!

I’d been talking about Mother’s Day for about two weeks straight because I was so excited to finally be able to partake in the holiday as an honoree and not just someone who was doing the honoring. Facebook helped me get even more excited after seeing everyone uploading photos with their moms, grandmothers and children. My news feed was so beautiful.

Growing up, whenever my mom and I would have one of our many heated disagreements, she’d always tell me that one day as and when I became a mother I would understand. Of course I wasn’t trying to hear it then because for one, I didn’t have the mental or emotional capacity to understand her point of view and two, I was so set in my ways that I wasn’t open to any kind of criticism or unsolicited advice from someone who didn’t “get it.”

Well, I have to say that she was right.

I don’t believe that parents, specifically mothers, are always right but I do believe that they’re right most of the time and they have the best intentions. And of all the things my mother was right about, her prediction of my own experience as a mom shaping the way I view her as one has been her most on point prediction yet.

I never truly believed that I would have any children. I wanted to be married first, I knew that I’d have to be in prime physical shape and I wanted to be ready (whatever that means). So when I got a chance to watch all my friends with the exception of one or two have children, realized that I was 28 and still not in a serious relationship and having the time of my life as a carefree full-time entrepreneur…I pretty much knew my future as a mom would be in the stepmom or adoptive mom capacity. So, imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant by someone I wasn’t married to despite having PCOS and not taking the fertility medicine I was advised I’d have to take and being the total opposite of ready.

Having to decide to continue the pregnancy regardless of the circumstances, carrying my child for nine months and then giving birth completely changed the way I viewed what it meant to be a mother. It also put into perspective the way my mother is and why she is that way.

Hear me out on this – motherhood changes you.

It changes everything you thought you knew about yourself and everything about yourself moving forward.

From the moment you find out that you’re going to be a mom, your thoughts and actions are all driven by the new life you’re carrying. You only want the best for your child and you’d fight tooth and nail for them and you would lay down your life at any moment, without even thinking twice if it meant saving your child.

I’m learning to have compassion for my mom because she isn’t perfect but I didn’t always see it that way until my own motherly imperfections were brought to light. And all those days I thought my mom was acting a certain way because she didn’t get it or didn’t understand me…I cringe at my ignorance. Maybe she doesn’t know all my secrets but there’s no person in this world that knows me better than she does. She carried me. She birthed me. She is me…you understand?

I spent my first Mother’s Day enjoying all the love I was shown from family and friends while silently thinking about what an awesome mom I have and how being a mom helped me see it.

For that, I’m thankful.

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