Mom Life, The Jessica Diaries

The Jessica Diaries: I Cried Yesterday

Yep. I cried like a baby. I covered my face and everything.

The fact that I cried is a big deal for me because I am not a crier by any means. I will rub my eyes the minute I feel tears welling up whether I’m in public or alone but these pregnancy hormones have turned me into a complete cry baby.

And it’s actually because of my pregnancy that I cried.

I was sitting there minding my business and because my tummy doesn’t go flat anymore, it has become somewhat of a habit for me to hold the bottom of it like you would a bunch of clothes that you just picked up out of the dryer. So as I’m holding the bottom of my bump, I happened to look down at it.

Now my tummy has been “blown up” for a while now. In fact, it started very early in my pregnancy and was mainly bloat but now it is in fact an official bump. All of this time I’ve just been looking at it and thinking about how my body as I knew it is gone and what it’s going to take to get back to the waistline that I had (but hopefully a better one LOL).

I lifted my shirt and as and when I saw the darkening linea nigra that had formed in what seems like overnight fashion, this huge waistline became something much more significant.

It had immediately, in my mind, become a covering for the sweet, growing child that is nestled inside of me and depending on me for all its nutrients.

And that made me cry.

I cannot believe that I am going to be a mother in a matter of months! I always thought being a mom was so far off for me, after all I’d made it to 28 with no children and I just knew that I’d be a married woman pushing her mid-30s trying to conceive. But as with all things in life, it’s about God’s timing. Yes, even though I’ve technically committed a sin and a child came out of it, I can rest assure you that if it wasn’t time for it to happen – it wouldn’t have. Because…um…*cough* this wasn’t the first time…*cough* that I’ve… you know what, I know you’re smart enough to get where I’m going. LOL.

Back to the topic!

This child, although I’ve only seen h** (gender reveal coming soon) through an ultrasound, has already changed my life completely.

There is not a minute that goes by that I don’t think about h** and if everything is okay. Every meal I eat, every substance I drink, I’m thinking about how healthy it is for baby. Every activity I do or event I want to attend, I’m thinking about if it’s appropriate for me…how loud the music will be…and so on. I literally cannot wipe my butt without looking to make sure there isn’t blood or any other colored liquid that shouldn’t be there.

And when I think about when baby comes into this world and all the love I’ll get to show h** and all the love I’ll receive in return, I just lose it.

If I’m honest, I wasn’t ready. I don’t think anyone is ever really ready (even when you think you are), especially not a first time mom, because you don’t know what to expect. The timing, in my opinion, was bad and it wasn’t the time that I’ve always dreamed about…at least on the days when I wanted kids because there were certainly days when I said I didn’t want any. I didn’t want to give up my career, not even for a few months. I didn’t want to give up my body, my freedom or my ability to do some of the things I used to do (like have a drink…you have no idea how bad I want a margarita!) Even if you have nieces or younger cousins that you cared for like I did, being pregnant is an experience that is unique to every woman and there will be things you learn and have to go through that other women didn’t.

Being on this journey is so special and sacred and it is something that even though I wasn’t ready for, has been so worth it already just because of all the ways in which it has changed me. I’m stronger, more serious about the company I keep, more motivated than ever to reach my dreams and I’m a lot more sensitive to the needs and feelings of others.

I can’t wait to meet my little baby and thank h** for changing my life!

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