The Jessica Diaries

The Jessica Diaries: All The Feels

Y’all.

I am TWO WEEKS away from my due date and I have ALL THE FEELS!

This is going to sound so cliche’ but up until this week I’ve felt like I’ve been pregnant forever. I just wanted my body back and to be able to wear my old clothes, my face back (I’m so over my pregnant nose) and I wanted to be able to roll over in bed without cramping or needing Tony’s help.

But now that my baby will be born in just two short weeks or less, I’m starting to feel all kinds of emotions.

The main emotion is an overwhelming love for this little baby that’s been baking in my bump for the past nine months. It’s a spiritual feeling, similar to how I love God. Even though I’ve only been able to see his bones (and recently his hair! *heart eyes*) I love him so much. I’ve felt him moving around inside of me, he responds to our touch, our voices and I just want to give him the best life he could ever have.

That love makes the anticipation of his arrival that much more intense. We are so ready to meet him, smell him, touch him, hold him, kiss on him, protect him…all of that! I keep trying to imagine what he looks like and how his personality will be. I look at his little outfits and diapers and try to picture him wearing them. I even start crying as and when I think about his sweet little face and how I’d do anything for him already.

Knowing that any day now could be his birthday also makes me a little nervous.

If you’ve followed my blog since it was created back in 2012 then you already know how I feel about not being in control and embracing the unknown. It’s super hard for me! Having to birth a baby for the first time in my life is something I’m nervous about, I won’t lie. I’ve done a little research (planning to do more these last two weeks) but I still don’t know exactly what to expect because every woman and every pregnancy is different.

And to wrap it all up, all these emotions also make this entire experience very surreal.

When I’m looking at his clothes and keepsakes I know they’re gifts for MY child but at the same time, I’m still having moments where I say to myself, “I’m really about to be someone’s mother.” It’s crazy! Tony and I laugh all the time about the fact that we’re having a child together. It’s hard to explain really.

I guess because of different things that I’ve dealt with in life and as a woman, I didn’t really believe I’d ever become a mother. The best way I can describe it is a certain fear that something so good would never happen for me, kind of like how people get down about not being married or not being able to live out their dreams. I wasn’t ready for or trying to have a child but I still had those thoughts every now and then.

So to be in this place has my emotions in complete shambles! My mom said our son will be a crybaby because of me – hopefully she’s wrong because we both can’t be crying all over the place.

I feel like I’m almost completely ready for this next chapter. I’ve had nine months to prepare and we have everything we need for me but mentally and emotionally I still have a little bit of work to do. I’m thinking once I see his little face and hold him for the first time all those traits that I’m missing and the instinct that I need as a mom will kick right on in.

If you’re interested in keeping up with our little family, we will be sharing moments on YouTube through my personal channel (subscribe here) and a channel dedicated to our life. It will launch next week so be on the lookout!

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