November 11, 2014
Writing is and has always been my therapy. It’s the place I always come back to when I’m feeling an intense emotion – happy, sad, anxious, calm – it doesn’t matter. Emotions make me want to write and it always feels like I’ve let out a deep breath when I’m done. So naturally, I had to write about these emotions that are inside of me right now.
It never fails…every year around my birthday I always feel some type of way.
When I turned 24 I was on cloud nine. When I turned 25 I worried about not being where I felt I should be in life. When I turned 26 I was sad and full of regret because my grandmother was dying and a man I loved wasn’t there for me so I ended up with a man, that according to some people, I wasn’t supposed to love but because he loved me and wanted to be there for me I allowed him to be. And now, as my 27th birthday approaches (Saturday to be exact) I feel emotions that are on two totally different ends of the spectrum at the same time…and nights are the worst.
Every night I go through the same routine and as an artist (writers are artists too…we paint with words) I’m constantly caught between the place of wanting to share my world and wanting to hide from it. I’m not even going to talk about how my Scorpio nature makes that even more difficult.
So as you all know, I walked away from my job in September to pursue my dreams. I have absolutely no regrets at all and although the road gets rough from time to time, I love every single millisecond of it. I’ve learned so much about myself and I’ve grown so much as a business woman in such a short time that it makes me uber-excited about the future. That’s one of the emotions I’m feeling.
The other one isn’t so nice but it’s equally as intense.
I lost a friend last month… I don’t mean lost as in that person died, but I do mean that our friendship did and it’s been fucking with me since it happened (sorry…potty mouth but I’m working on it…right now though I have to be myself). Every night I go back to the situations that led to the point of our friendship being over and from there it’s like a smorgasbord of other thoughts follow closely behind. Our friendship was many things and we shared some pretty awesome moments but I think the most important characteristic of it was that it was built from an instant connection. You know how you meet someone and you feel like you’ve known them forever? Yeah…that kind of connection.
Out of all the things it was, I never wanted to accept the ugly truth of it being one-sided. I always made excuses for their behavior and tried to quiet the voice in my head that was telling me that I was an after-thought, that my feelings weren’t valid or important and that if I wanted to keep our friendship I had to play by their rules. I always went out of my way for them but when I was in need, I was on my own or something would come up or they’d offer to help and then it gets flipped back on me in some weird, twisted way because they couldn’t keep their end of the deal. Their fuck-ups somehow became my fault and here I am, feeling like I’m in the twilight zone because that’s not how a true friend who loves you would treat you, right? So then…were we ever really friends? Or did I have something they needed and after they used me up there was no reason to fake the funk anymore?
I just want my nights back.
I want to forget them, all their baggage and problems that I made my own and I want to be able to fall asleep without them being in my last thought of the day. I want to listen to songs on Pandora and not think about them again. I want to be able to see their face or their name on social media and not feel the need to call them up and go completely off and tell them shit that they already know.
I really need my nights back.
You probably don’t believe me, but I feel better already LOL (I actually just chuckled to myself). My point in this exhale (that’s what I’m going to call it) is that I want to keep making smart decisions as far as business goes but I want to stop making the same mistakes when it comes to my personal life and who I share any of my time with. I want to be as smart as I am about business when it’s not about business. For some reason, that isn’t as easy as it sounds. I always feel guilty for giving a person the choice to either face their problems that interfere with our relationship (whether it be a friendship, if we’re family or even if we’re dating) or lose me in their life so I don’t push the issue…but I always end up getting the short end of the stick.
I’m over that…like for real. I’m over people not having any accountability for their actions and caring enough to do something about it. On the same note, I have to practice what I preach and get to the bottom of why *I* make some of the same mistakes over and over again.