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I’m Struggling :-/

jessica-simien-struggle-to-pursue-dreamsI’m having the hardest time trying to work out a balance between working my new job and continuing the work on my dream.

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about coming to terms with getting a full-time job (read my article here) so I’m hoping that for everyone who commented and told me that they were in a similar situation, you all will comment this time and share with me ways that you’ve been able to find a balance without wanting to quit the job.

I’m still very grateful to have a salaried position and for not having to worry about money or things we take for granted like medical insurance and retirement plans. For the most part, I enjoy my job but as I knew it would, that feeling of anxiety and fearing that I’d get stuck is rearing its ugly head.

I don’t have very much time to write, I haven’t even worked on my book in weeks (tear) and I’m having to schedule my personal and website related activities around the job…even as and when I don’t know when or where I’ll have to be at any given moment. It’s frustrating and I feel like every day that I don’t post an article I’m losing valuable readers, thus pushing me further from actually writing full time.

The other day I exploded into tears while talking to my mom about it because she doesn’t understand how I feel. She can’t comprehend why I won’t just shut up and be happy (or why I didn’t turn down the job) but as I tried to explain to her, there is something burning inside of me to write and communicate with people. I feel like my words touch the lives of others, even if in a very small way. Every day that I can’t do that, I feel sad and I’m suffering. I likened it to a slow death. I don’t care about the money…I’d write every single day of my life, all day long for free if I could. It’s that serious and important to me.

I like what I’m doing but I don’t love it and I feel guilty when I talk to one of my colleagues in particular because he thinks about what we do all day and night. His passion about our job is how I feel about media and communication. I know that whenever we talk about our next big assignment my face looks so stale but thank God for his encouragement. He actually supports me and understands what I’m going through. That gets me through the day sometimes.

I hope I don’t come off as unappreciative because I’m not…I’m just truly trying to figure this thing out. I try to write in the evenings but often times I’m exhausted and I just want to be alone and collect my thoughts or polish my nails because they’ve started to chip or wash clothes…you know, things you have to do when you aren’t working. I even schedule my blog posts to run automatically but when something big happens, that puts my website last in terms of getting that news out. No bueno.

Over the weekend I worked with a couple of my interns because I’m trying to prepare them for bigger roles and we’re also going to shake things up a bit to make managing the content of both of my sites easier for me (and them), hopefully it all works out. I know that regardless, God placed me in this position for a reason and I just have to rely on His strength to get me through until I’ve gotten whatever He has for me out of it. Easier said than done, trust me.

I know one day this is all going to make for a very good story…

In the meantime, if you have any tips that worked for you, help a sista’ out!

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