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I Won’t Let Him Love Me

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One of the tasks on my current 100 In a Year list is to read at least twelve books. I’m happy to say that I’m more than halfway done with the task, but I’m even happier about the books I’ve been able to read. The most recent one I’ve finished is by Britni Danielle and the title of it is Two Steps Back. It’s a follow-up to one of her previous titles and it’s a great read if you’re looking for something quick and entertaining.

Anyway, I really liked the main character (Jaylah) in the first book of the series but in Two Steps Back she began to irritate the heck out of me. Without giving away any spoilers, Jaylah was seeing a man who made her his entire world. He did everything in his power to prove to her that she was important to him and although she had reasons to not trust him, he tried really hard to fix it. Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt in some situations, she always felt a need to follow up on things he’d told her. She would bring up his past during the most inappropriate times and she was very difficult to please. It was like she was trying to find all these reasons not to give him a chance.

After I finished the book, I was talking to someone about it and I thought that maybe I began to dislike Jaylah because I saw some of my personal flaws in her. Although I’m nowhere near as bad as she was and my situation is totally different, I’m similar to her in one way: lately it has become very hard for me to give guys a fair chance. 

I’m at a point in my life where I’ve managed to successfully minimize my distractions. In other words, I’m very focused and I have a life outside of my business and career goals. I’ve created a balance that’s working for me.

One major distraction in my life has always been relationships. Once I’m in, I’m all in – it’s the only way I know how to love. By definition I’m single, but I do date. I don’t mind giving guys my phone number if I’m attracted to them or to something about them and let’s just say I have a lot of suitors. There have been times as and when I’ve had two or three dates lined up in one week or I’ve been on multiple dates with one guy for a period of time and I even have vacations on the table.

Trust me, this isn’t as fun as it seems. Having them all coming at me at the same time is very overwhelming (stressful at times too) and I won’t even give them a chance after I feel like they’ve started to like me a little too much. I come up with all of these reasons of why I could never be with any of them even though they’re showing me all the effort I could ever ask for. I’m not even open to the idea, which kinda defeats the purpose of dating but hey…sometimes you just wanna go out and have a good time with someone other than your friends or family.

My avoidance of commitment could be because my heart is in another place, but it could also mean that there’s an issue within myself that I need to fix like scars from a past relationship or wanting to be totally sure about taking that risk with someone. I don’t know which one it is or if it has to do with those things at all. But I do know that I don’t want anyone to hurt because I can’t give them what they want from me.

Sometimes I wrestle with the person I’ve become and it’s crazy how much I’ve changed in the last year alone. In the past, I always wanted my life to be on a timetable. I wanted to do things like I was brought up to think that they should go. Go to college…graduate…get married…have kids…work and raise your kids…grow old with your husband…end scene.

That’s not the way I feel anymore.

I’m so in tune with myself and my needs, wants and desires that I don’t make a move or give certain things any thought until I’m ready. I’ve become more aware of who I am, what I want, what I can give and what I don’t have the time and energy for.

If I know that I don’t want to open up and be in a relationship, isn’t that a sign in itself that I’m not ready yet? Should my age factor in my decision or should I do what feels right to me when it feels right, not when someone thinks it should?

If my heart is in another place, should I really lead a guy on like he can have it when someone else has already stolen it?

So I guess while I’m like Jaylah on one hand, our major difference is that my reasons for not letting someone love me aren’t rooted in paranoia or insecurity. I’m simply just not ready to introduce someone new into my life in that way.

Love and commitments are serious and you have to treat them that way and respect what they symbolize. This is harder for people to understand than I thought. Folks really want you to jump at the idea of being with someone even though you tell them that you aren’t ready for that. You have to be 100% sure and invested into that person and if you aren’t, it could cause trouble or worse…heartbreak.

I’ve learned so many new things about myself and based on what I’ve discovered, I can’t let anyone fall in love with me because I want to be able to fall in love with them back. And right now, my hands are tied…

Have you ever been faced with this situation? How did you handle it? What’s something you’ve realized about yourself lately? Talk to me in the comments section below!

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