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I Still Believe In Love

oitnb-episode-6

I’m a true Scorpio woman.

I’m intense, I’m deep and passionate and I don’t do grey areas. I like to know what’s what…only because I like to be sure of things. I have drive and ambition and I’m willing to sacrifice for what I want. But what really reminds me of my Scorpio nature is the way I approach love.

Once I’m sure that I’m in love with someone, I’m ready to love that person forever. If I’m not in love with you, I won’t let you get close to me. This is probably why I’ve only had two real relationships LOL. I’m loyal to the very end and I will do anything for my partner – support him, defend him, build him up, stay devoted and faithful – but as and when you mess up and hurt me without any remorse or change in your actions, you can cancel me ever being in a relationship with you again.

So understand that when I say that I still believe in love after being hurt so badly, it’s a big deal. 

One evening I was watching an episode from season two of “Orange Is The New Black” and a conversation between two of the characters stood out to me more than anything that was said during the whole season. I don’t remember the conversation verbatim but the character told another character that the fact that she could still believe in love after being hurt didn’t mean she was stupid; it meant that she was brave.

I agree.

I’ve been through some of the worst situations you can think of when it comes to love. I’ve been disrespected, I’ve had the shitty end of the stick and I’ve been lied to and cheated on more times than I even want to think about. So even though I had all this love flowing out, it was not always reciprocated.

Not being loved back is not a good feeling and it turns you cold. It makes it easy for you to put a wall up and in my case, makes you sabotage a good thing because you’re afraid to be vulnerable. You allow your insecurities to creep in and you disrupt the connection by overanalyzing, being pessimistic, having your guard up 24/7 and finding reasons why your blossoming relationship won’t work and is doomed for failure.

As I’ve found myself falling in love all over again I’ve decided that this time, like the character in OITNB, I want to be brave.

Vulnerability is bravery and being vulnerable is a must if you want to experience what it’s truly like to be in love.

Vulnerability is loving someone no matter what…it’s loving freely…it’s loving whether or not that person behaves like you want them to behave or loves in the same way that you love (hello, “5 Love Languages”)…love has no conditions…it just is.

How brave of us to love despite having been hurt? To want to step back into the ring and give it another chance understanding that there is a real possibility that you could walk away with bruises and pain is so brave to me.

I don’t know about you but I want to be brave. Experiencing the power and purity of love and having it reciprocated is worth the risk. I don’t want to walk around afraid to let someone in and end up missing out on a blessing because I won’t allow someone to love me. I’m worthy of that and I deserve that so I won’t fight it anymore.

I know that no matter what I’ll be stronger than I was before and that’s reason enough to not give up on love.

Do you still believe?

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