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siKa J


We Need To Talk: …About Sex

Disclaimer: We Need To Talk is a weekly column written by siKa J. The views and opinions expressed in this article are hers and do not necessarily reflect the position of

What in the hell am I going to rant about this week? A damn Instagram post that’s been circulating. I’m sure you’ve seen it. I’d like to know if you agree or disagree. I’d like to know how do you think things became this way. I’d like to know a lot, so since I decided to take on this topic, I had to dig to make sense of it all. I won’t keep you wondering.


Let’s talk bad word, shall we?

I mean, hey, everybody is doing it like life ends tomorrow, so there’s a fascination going on here that we need to discuss. Relationship or not, the vast majority are phenomenas of bad word. That “any time, any place, your situation doesn’t matter, it’s cool if we’re discreet” type bad word. You feel me?

What the hell is phenomena? Refer to Immanuel Kant for coining that term. It’s philosophical and means ‘what is experienced is the basis of reality.’ Kant theorizes in his work that the human mind is restricted to the logical world and thus can only interpret and understand occurrences according to their physical appearances. He wrote that humans could infer only as much as their senses allowed, but not experience the actual object itself. Thus, the term phenomenon refers to any incident deserving of inquiry and investigation, especially events that are particularly unusual or of distinctive importance (like bad word).

IN OTHER WORDS… Unexpected behaviors that we induldge in with a restricted mind towards the logic of it because of our ego and physical appearance and want; its the temptation you would condemn another for partaking in because of ethics and morals but yet one you could easily get loss in if you’re “lost and wandering” in life. So, where am I going with this? I’ll explain.

You’ve seen the post mirroring the dating scene for 1994 and 2014, right? Take a look at it up top – it captures a man kneeling with roses proposing a date to the standing woman with 1994 below. The other half is reversed with a woman kneeling and performing oral bad word on the standing man in 2014. Now before I even I even break it down to you, let me break down some other things first.


It’s 1994, I’m six years old, the music was jamming with artists like Biggie, Pac, LL Cool J, Heavy D, Brandy, TLC, Aaliyah, Janet Jackson, Outkast, Snoop, Warren G, Nate Dogg, Da Brat, Girl and Boy R&B groups and the old jams. Damn was probably the only curse word you would hear on TV. I don’t recall condom commercials. Nickelodeon, Nick at Night, “Boy Meets World,” and some other junk made TV amazing. “The Lion King,” “Forrest Gump,” Nas’ Illmatic, PlayStation, Sega, Yahoo!, “Friends” and Amazon debuted. Michael Jackson married Lisa Marie Presley and he is accused of molestation. OJ trial began. Left Eye started a fire. Medgar Evers’ murderer gets sentenced and Nelson Mandela became the first black president of South Africa. The style of dress was not provocative in any scene and rated R contained little to no nudity. I’m talking about bare back, side boob type nudity, nothing more.


It’s 2004, I’m sixteen years old, I’m still jamming the same artist plus Lauryn Hill, Erykah Badu, D’Angelo, Common, Mos Def, Nina Sky (remember them), ratchet down south rappers (and tuning into their beef: T.I. vs Lil Flip, Nelly vs. Chingy), Mase came back and Usher made Confessions. At this age, I was sneaking to parties and as and when certain songs from Yo Gotti, Crime Mob, Project Pat or some other hood artist came on, fights were inevitable. I wasn’t bout that life, by the way.

Facebook, Gmail, Napoleon Dynamite, The Passion of Christ, “Fahrenheit 9/11” and “Desperate Housewives” launched this year…plenty celebrity hook-ups and break-ups. The TV show “Friends” ended. Serena Williams gets beat by Maria Sharapova. Janet shows us her boob during the Superbowl half time show, Martha Stewart goes to jail, Fidel Castro bans the American dollar and tapes of Osama bin Laden’s involvement with 9/11 are released. More curse words and rated R things were getting more graphic in the entertainment world. They seem to not care about censoring during these times. In the next year, 2005, Trojan will premiere it’s first prime time condom commercial… and it begins.


It’s 2014, I’m twenty six years old. Music has no substance. I listen to old school or artists I know and support, as well as create it myself. I hate the radio. I hate TV. Nothing but reality shows and straight garbage, even the news. I hate these so called artists we are forced to pay attention to through media. Yung Thug? Shall I continue or nah? Nah! The news is saturated with war, kidnappings, threats, Ebola, bashing Obama and Blacks. 12 Years a Slave wins. Jay Leno’s show ends, Jimmy Fallon’s begins. Too many Black men killed to count but rarely discussed in justifiable ways by media. Protesters and riots. Failing justice system. Social media has replaced real communication and respect is earned through likes and followers on these networks. bad word is every damn where. You see it and hear about it nonstop. With all the turmoil going on, I’m sure people find it a perfect release regardless and treat it as such with excuses such as, its just bad word. Yeah, just like its just an STD. No biggie right?

At age six, dating was not on my mind. At age sixteen, sports and music was on my mind. At age twenty six, I have dated and understand everything about bad word from the physical to mental, as well as dating. During 1994, bad word was not paraded or advertised and 10 years later it increased and now it’s out of control, while they pamper our minds with things like refraining from bad word, Plan B pills, contraceptives, ways to cope with STDs, etc. – steadily feeding us the same bullshit “spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down” Mary Poppins crap. And you know the sentiment, tell me what I shouldn’t be doing and that is exactly what my urges will gravitate to, ultimately killing us like the STDs statistics seems to be silently killing us in Mississippi. The reason why the dating and bad word scene has changed is because times have changed. We DONT TALK! We’ve slowly been programmed into being phenomenon of whatever society feeds us to help destroy us and we’ve fell for the trap.

From a lesbian point of view, if I may, in 1994 the obsessions with most people came in proximity to television and magazines. There were no social networks to stalk peers like there are now. Focus was more on self and family versus parading self for likes and validation. So once the females stopped taking things so serious and became more materialistic and attention proned beings via social networking, the motives of dating changed. Men noticed and some began participating. Either way, the seriousness was wiped out leaving us to be self-centered, competitive and jealous beings for no particular reasons.

Men sung, begged and professed their love in music to women. They put it all on the table, apologies and all. Where is that now? When men refer to women in music now, we’re objects not treasures or trophies like they have us singing along with them to. Being a product of your environment is very real people. Just open your eyes and see. On the flip side, some women are so competitive they will do ANYTHING! The picture has her kneeling now because bad word is the gateway to blindness. Women know how to use bad word to distract the man from the real issue that he will have to face if he continues to stay. So giving oral or bad word, first off, is a trap that every man loves being a part of and that every woman who behaves as such uses to keep her chances high on getting that ring or getting paraded as someone’s trophy. Tricks and trades. Between dishonesty, lack of respect for self, body, mind, and reputation, egos, nympho behavior, negligence of knowledge of whom we may hop in the bed with, dating with motives (down low men or dating someone for revenge, rebound, or jealous reasons), horrible bad word track records (ask yourself what’s your number? don’t even get me started on a bad word link chart…), blah blah blah, we wiped the dating scene clean, with the help of society, with these habits leaving the scene no chance but to flip.

Most people don’t really date. They text, kick it, take pics together to let it be known what it is. Everything is usually put on the table at first leaving nothing to look forward to. There’s no adventure to every day like there was in 1994. There’s no reverence or demanding of from the man like it was in 1994. For the single world, there’s more confusion and lies in that scene leaving only bad word to be the benefit at the end of the day. Nobody wants to try. They would rather bad word it out until they’re ready to settle down. Everything is different from 1994 til now. What we see, eat, hear, etc. Awareness is at its all time low. We are a product of our environment. Therefore, that post, shows us where we are headed and what kind of environment our children will be a part of. Now think about that? Bet you want to do something about it now huh? Females are now supporting the males financially and defending his ego and habits effortlessly as if he is her son. Males spend more time with the homies and would rather get with a girl when it’s about that time but not on no QT type shit. And life is a reality show and lived for the camera. We have failed to stop the cycle of the death of dating and it’s protocols. Therefore, this is where we lay.

What do you think?